At the end of my using and drinking, in the terminal phase, I was very much inclined toward isolation. I didn’t feel connected to the people in my life, the few that remained. I didn’t feel like I could open up to them and I wasn’t comfortable spending time around them. After all, they weren’t […]
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Catastrophizing
It always starts the same way. Something, some small thing, goes wrong. No alarms go off, no immediate action is needed, but a fuse is lit. Construction has begun. A mole hill will soon become a mountain, and then, in time, a volcano. Anyone nearby would be well served to evacuate the area immediately. It’s […]
Serenity Now
God, grant me the.. what now? Serenity? When I first heard someone mention serenity in these rooms, I wasn’t sure what to think. It seemed like such a lofty goal, and if I’m being honest, a bit of a reach. Maybe these people had figured out a way to white-knuckle it through life, just barely […]
Perspective
The life I led as an addict was not easy, nor was it enjoyable. Were there good times? Sure, but the bad outweighed them, and by a lot. I need to remember that, and to remember how much it really hurt there at the end, or I’m likely to get back on that merry-go-round, and […]
A Message to the Addicts of Earth
While reading through a meeting the other day, someone’s share about hitting rock bottom piqued my interest. They had accepted it and they were grateful for it, happy to have finally ceased making the problem worse. For the longest time, I’ve considered my “rock bottom” to be a sort of monument to failure. Something that was, […]
Belonging
“Until we had talked with complete candor of our conflicts, and had listened to someone else do the same thing, we still didn’t belong.” ~ TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 57 What a strange world. Never feeling like you’ve belonged anywhere until entering the four walls of A.A. Yet, inevitably, when the meeting ends, […]
I Will Destroy This Machine
“Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” (Big Book, pg. 64) I sometimes resent my resentments. I know what they are, I know that they’re mostly irrational, and I know they’re dangerous, but I have them from time to time all the same. I spend a lot of time, […]
On Gods and Dogs
I don’t think I’ve mentioned my best friend in this blog before. I’m sure you don’t know her. She doesn’t speak much English and doesn’t have any troubling addictions. She isn’t in recovery as we are, she hasn’t read the Big Book. She’s never attended a meeting, doesn’t know what they’re about, and probably wouldn’t […]
Everything Looks Like a Nail
I’ve dealt with depression, among other mental health issues, for most of my life. Having been in counseling since the age of seven, I’m fairly sure that my alcoholism and drug use weren’t the root cause of this, though they certainly contributed later in life, and they certainly made things worse. It seems that a […]
The Wisdom to Know the Difference
Like most middle-class, suburban Americans, I was raised on a healthy diet of exceptionalism. I believed, without a doubt, that my life had some greater meaning. I may have suffered humble beginnings, but I was certain that in the end, I was going to make it big. A rock star, perhaps? I was, probably, the […]